| In the Company of My
Lord - 4 |
 |
By Ma Gurupriya
[Published
in Vicharasetu – Jan-Feb 1991. The author Ma Gurupriya was
then ‘Ratnadeepa’]
Through
the Waves of Samsaara
The
intense enthusiasm and fervour I experienced in the initial
stages of my saadhana, started receding amidst increasing
worldly distractions. Till then, I was a student and a
daughter, not having many responsibilities. But after
marriage, I was faced with the responsibilities of a married
life – setting up a household and managing it, social
duties, obligations and demands. Moreover, I started working
as a lecturer (Physics Dept., Vivekananda College, Calcutta)
which brought in the additional duties and demands of a
professional life. Suddenly, there was a drastic change in
the life style. Attention had to be given to so many
matters, minor as well as important – apparently
non-spiritual but indispensable for everyday living.
From
the little time available to myself, so much had to be spent
on attending to material needs and worldly matters that the
thought “I am getting away from the spiritual path”
started burdening my mind. Both Aroopji and myself were
perfectionists – too exacting and fastidious about
everything. As if to teach us a lesson on moderation, most
of our new articles and gadgets gave trouble, which meant
considerable running about for getting the mechanics and
setting things right to our satisfaction.
Conflict
started in our minds. On one hand the mind craved for the
uninterrupted quiet moments of meditation as well as reading
and introspecting over the scriptures that we were used to.
On the other hand the mind did not think it proper to be
indifferent and insensitive about the environment, the
people around as well as the society. When Aroopji wrote to
Baba about our conflict, he replied: “Do not be
disappointed. Everything is going on all right. All these
conflicts are usual in the initial stages of jeevanmukta
vyavahaara. Do all that is necessary in the world without
any inhibition or fear. Enjoy everything as bestowed by Him.
Things of enjoyment (Bhoga) give enjoyment; but that
enjoyment can be of two kinds – one which brings happiness
and other that brings unhappiness.”
“There
are people who weep even while taking delicious food. Again,
there are others who live happily on puffed rice, full of
husk. There are men who enjoy the happiness of living in a
palace while sitting under a tree; and there are others who,
remaining in a palace, spend their day in weeping and
lamenting. When the duties of life are performed with
vichaara it will certainly bring happiness.”
But,
the right vichaara did not come so easily. So the mind
suffered disappointment and pain. All these worldly duties
used to make my mind wander off to petty matters only to be
reminded later that my Lord was not in my thoughts all the
while. This remembrance would put me in deep sorrow.
I
used to feel disheartened on two accounts: First, thinking
that the intensity of seeking had reduced and second, seeing
that I had very little time to be called my own when I could
sit in solitude, diving deep into myself. In short, I felt
that throughout the day I was engaged in matters, which were
not only useless but also hindrance to saadhana.
On
a Gurupoornima day, I wrote to Baba expressing my plight. He
replied: “I am happy to receive your letter written on the
occasion of Gurupoornima. Whatever you have written are the
words of any saadhaka seeking Paramaartha (the ultimate
truth). I know what your true aim is, but it takes time to
reach that. You are quite on the right path – I have my
watch on it.”
“Think
of the effortless dead body floating on the sea. The waves
of the sea sometimes drown it and sometimes push it afloat.
Such are also the waves of this Samsaara (world). Those who
swim against the tide have to suffer more. Difficulty is
less for those who float with the tide.”
“In
this world, one has to pass through both high and low tides.
A jnaani (wise) experiences aananda even while coursing
through sufferings, but an ajnaani (ignorant) is not able to
do that – there lies the difference. Keep on doing the
remaining ‘useless work’ with all sincerity. What you
think useless is not useless indeed. To reach the Truth or
to attain Paraa-saanti, one must pass through and transcend
all that appear to be against truth and peace. If we try to
eschew the suffering amidst world-objects as something
non-spiritual, then it will not be possible for us to attain
the undifferentiated (nirvisesha) Brahman or Truth.
“So,
receive everything as His loving gift. Do not consider
worldly activities as botheration. Regard all these as part
of saadhana and go ahead. All seekers progress like this.
There is no other way. Do not worry at all.”
The
seed of vichaara Baba had sown into our minds, always
remained a true friend showing the right path, suggesting
the right attitude. Following its light, we coursed through
many a difficult situation. Whenever we were confronted with
unfavourable situations, our attention would be directed
more towards ourselves. We would think – let us accept
these as austerities in the path of spiritual saadhana and
be benefited and enriched by them.
This
process of vichaara – the practice of looking into oneself
with the aim of making oneself fit for the divine – also
helped us immensely in being aware of our defects and
impurities and enabled us to try to bring about improvements
in our thoughts, actions and interactions.
The
Lingering Void
As
a river flows naturally towards the sea in spite of all
obstacles on the way, changing route whenever necessary, I
too was being driven on the spiritual path in nature’s own
wonderful way. I had a happy married life, a very good
husband treading the same spiritual path, a profession to my
utmost liking with enough scope to learn through teaching
and interacting with variety of students, and above all a
Sadguru to guide me on the spiritual path. But, still
beneath my mind the same old disinterestedness and the
feeling of ‘void’ lingered on.
I
was not fully happy. Neither did I feel contented. I aspired
for something attaining which I would be happy forever. I
understood that to attain That, my seeking, my love for God,
should be more intense and exclusive. I wished I would
remember Him always – during work, during rest, while
walking, sitting or thinking. But in practice, I failed to
do so. I found my mind often remaining away from the Lord
while working in the household or in the professional front.
Sometimes I wondered whether I was progressing at all!
I
used to wonder what was wrong with me – why I was not
remembering God all the while! Often I shed tears requesting
Him to make me more sincere, to make my aspiration more
intense. In pain and shame I would plead to my Lord, my
Indweller: “Why are you making me forget you at times?
Don’t you know that I become lonely and miserable when I
don’t feel your touch within?”
I
knew for certain that unless I felt and experienced Him
within, my mind would ever remain empty – nothing else in
the world would be able to fill up the ‘void’ within.
This feeling grew more and more intense everyday.
* * *
