| In the Company of My
Lord - 5 |
 |
By Ma Gurupriya
[Published
in Vicharasetu – April
1991. The author Ma Gurupriya was then ‘Ratnadeepa’]
From
Deprivation to Exclusiveness
My
Lord wanted to make my seeking more and more intense. He
knew how to make me crave for His Company exclusively and
wholesomely. And for that He had His own wonderful ways!
He
introduced in me the very natural craving of women –
motherhood. And, having kindled it He chose to deny me
motherhood. But, was it truly a denial? I understood later
that through this deprivation, my Lord had essentially
blessed me with exclusiveness and wholesomeness in seeking,
which I had been lacking but which is so essential for a
seeker.
By
denying physical motherhood, my Lord slowly made me taste
that universal motherly love which fills the whole Creation,
which permeates each and every being, sentient or
insentient. He made my heart melt in love for all children
– human or animal. He made my love grow with each
association – sentient or insentient. An experience of
pure joy, brimming over! And that is how slowly my ‘Poshaa’,
my ‘Pet’, took form in my mind.
But
all these did not happen suddenly. I had to grow through a
thorny path of mental torment that started with the incident
of having two miscarriages. Painfully I found that with all
my spiritual thinking I had not gained enough of deeper
insight and strength to accept this fact of not being able
to become a mother. I suffered melancholy. I suffered a
sense of insufficiency.
Tormented
Mind Seeks Sure Refuge
While
I grew up, I had learnt to control my emotions and never did
I weep in front of any body. Now my melancholy, knowing no
outward expression, afflicted my mind terribly. I suffered
on two accounts: On one hand, the sense of lack and failure
regarding motherhood, and on the other, my disgust with
myself in not being able to harmonize or get rid of this
sense of insufficiency and failure.
A
war was going on in the mind with thoughts and
counter-thoughts, arguments and counter-arguments. While one
part of the mind would constantly foster the craving for
motherhood and brood over the denial, the other part would
equally try to seek relief through viveka. Specially, the
fact of being perturbed to such an extent used to unsettle
my ego of a spiritual seeker. Externally, I was quite normal
doing all my work in the house as well as in the college.
But, the mind at times seemed to get torn to pieces.
About
this torment, I never opened my heart to anybody, except
Aroopji before whom I was absolutely open. Aroopji with his
natural calmness and detachment was ever unperturbed. With
his clarity of thought and outlook, he tried to help me as a
loving friend and guide, patiently enduring all my moods.
But I was not relieved. Unable to bear the burden anymore, I
thought of writing to Baba. Baba was very sick at the time.
But, I could think of nobody except my Guru who could save
me. My mind desperately called out for his help.
I
wrote: “For quite a few days, I have been thinking of
writing to you. At the same time, knowing about your ill
health, I do not have the heart to disturb you. Still, as
long as I do not write to you and receive your reply, my
mind will not be pacified.”
“…
I know that there is nothing to be disappointed about. But,
the mind remains troubled by a whirlpool of thoughts
regarding this event. I get headache and cannot sleep. At
times I feel I am not able to bear this state anymore. I
feel scared wondering whether I will remain a prey to this
mental weakness forever, and I will not be able to outlive
this at all!
“When
I do not get sleep at night and feel my head being torn to
pieces, I start chanting my mantra vigorously, holding on to
it with all my heart. Slowly the mind becomes quiet and
sleep overtakes. I think, if I do japa constantly, the mind
may become quiet and peaceful. But I am unable to do that;
disturbing thoughts interfere. I fail to get rid of the
disturbing thoughts. Helplessly I am weeping and constantly
calling you to save me.
“Baba,
when I place reasons before the mind, it accepts easily that
there is nothing to be so unhappy or disappointed about such
a trivial matter. But the mind is so disobedient – again
it becomes miserable! Fear, doubt and darkness prevail! If I
happen to see someone expecting a child or having a new-born
baby, more then feeling happy over the sight I become
miserable thinking of my own fate. Never, never do I want to
become like this. Doing japa if I pray continuously, will I
not get rid of this disgraceful plight? Baba, please bless
me that I at least have the power to pray.
“Yesterday
was my ‘initiation-day’. The whole morning my mind was
very heavy. I told myself – why should these petty
thoughts get access in me? I will surely get rid of them,
will not allow them to enter the mind at all. Instead I will
fill the mind with aananda. I have tried, Baba, but mostly I
have failed. At night, when I faced sleeplessness again, I
thought I must let you know my condition.
“I
do not know how your health is – may be you are very weak.
But, helpless as I am, all my load I am placing at your
feet.”
Before
Baba’s reply reached us, we heard from our friend Partha
(one of Baba’s disciples) that Baba was very sick. “If
you wish to have his last Darsan, you must proceed
immediately,” he said. Although I was under bed-rest at
that time, Aroopji and myself started immediately for
Dakshinkhanda.
Seeing
us, Baba’s first reaction was to admonish me strongly for
having allowed the mind to become so weak and disarrayed. He
said, “I still remember the letter you wrote to me on your
birthday expressing such confident notes. How can the same
person become like this? Your recent letter I have replied
already, asking you to wait for the inner direction and to
come after regaining health. I wanted to help you directly.
Anyway, now that you have come, stay for some days. Your
mind will be pacified.”
We
stayed back as desired by Baba. I was happy to do some
little service to him. He would sometimes ask me to press
his forehead or feet. Sitting beside Baba’s bed, at times
I used to ask him a few questions. Baba, in his effort to
reply would burst into severe fits of cough and gasping –
it was a painful sight. One day, he told me, “Bhooma will
come. He will answer all your questions.”
Great
Meeting – The Last and The First
Baba’s
‘Bhooma’ – our Swamiji – was supposed to come to see
Baba after the Annual Jnaana Yajna at Jamshedpur.
Right
from the beginning of our association with Baba, we had
heard from him a great deal about our Swamiji. I had seen a
picture of Swamiji kept near Baba’s bed. It was taken just
after Swamiji took Sannyaasa. But, I had not met Swamiji
personally. Swamiji had been coming to Jamshedpur every year
for Jnaana Yajna. Aroopji, being from Jamshedpur, had
listened to Swamiji’s discourses right from his school
days. But, he too never came into Swamiji’s personal
contact. However, it was from Swamiji’s lectures that
Aroopji came to know of Baba. Quite a few years later, while
working for Ph.D. in Calcutta University, he went to Baba
with certain spiritual enquiry and took initiation from him.
We
were eagerly waiting for Swamiji’s arrival. It was night
by the time Swamiji arrived with his disciples – Ammini
aunty and her daughter Lata, Sukhavanam uncle, Ponna aunty
and Smt. Thyagarajan. After washing his hands and feet,
Swamiji went straight to Baba’s room on the first floor.
It was a memorable sight – the meeting of a Guru and his
dearest disciple. The whole room was filled with aananda.
Even now, when I think of that sight, I see only light and
aananda radiating from every corner of the room. The meeting
of two Saints is no wonder a rare sight!
Next
morning, Baba called us to his room. He asked me to sit near
his feet. Swamiji was seated near Baba’s head; the other
devotees were also there. Baba asked me to tell Swamiji
about my mind’s confusion. I narrated everything – my
conflict, my fear, apprehension, despondency and above all,
my inability to overcome all these.
Swamiji
asked me to sit quietly for some time closing my eyes. The
mind that had been very restless quite a few days, became
quiet slowly. I told him so. Swamiji then took us to the
adjacent room and spoke to us for long time.
I
asked him so many questions. Each moment, my mind was
becoming lighter and lighter. Swamiji’s words, his
analysis of my conflict, made me think and see everything
from a new angle, giving me a fresh insight. When he stopped
talking, I felt I was a new person with new spirit and
confidence, and I could proceed boldly leaving behind all
confusing thoughts which were bothering me. Swamiji did not
disallow my craving for motherhood, but he emphasized that
only when my mind regained its normal health and strength,
we could think of having a child.
Swamiji
left in the afternoon. In the evening, when I went to see
Baba, he asked me whether my mind had been quietened. I
nodded with a relieving ‘yes’.
This
was our last meeting with Baba. While we were coming away,
he said “Good bye” with a significant shine in his eyes.
Within one and a half months, he left his body.
The
Ceaseless Flame
A
chapter in our life was over. But, a new chapter had already
begun – our association with Swamiji. Had not Baba wisely
and lovingly placed me under Swamiji’s spiritual guidance,
I would have surely felt a loss. Holding my hand securely,
Baba had led me to a certain point on the spiritual path,
and then, when it was time for him to take leave, he
entrusted me to Swamiji – his own ‘Bhooma’.
Years
later, Swamiji told me that on that fateful day itself, Baba
had handed me over to his care with the specific words:
“Look after her very well. She needs your care and
guidance”. When I heard this, I remembered the letter Baba
had written long back: “…Even if I do not live till you
attain the goal, some Jnaanee – pre-ordained – will tell
you the rest and fulfil your quest”.
Thus,
Baba and Swamiji merged together in the same flame – the
flame that was illuminating my heart and mind, showing me
the right direction. Whether the wick is renewed or oil
added the flame does not change, nor does its brilliance
dwindle.
As
long as Baba was there, we used to visit his abode quite
frequently and stay there for a few days. That was our
spiritual home with ‘Ma’ looking after us with all her
affection and endearment. We used to return to our regular
life with heart and mind full of bliss and peace, light and
quietude. This opportunity was lost now – Swamiji stayed
far away in Kerala. However, he remained with us through his
letters, providing constant inspiration, hope and clarity.
When
we parted after the first meeting at Baba’s abode, Swamiji
had asked me to write to him after two weeks informing about
my state. I wrote mentioning that I was feeling quite
energetic and happy.
In
reply, Swamiji in his first letter to me wrote: “…I
shall introduce to you the concept of nirdvandva. Ponder
over it, gradually. The life in the world and the
experiences it brings from time to time will oblige you to
practice the truth progressively.
“Dvandva
denotes the pair of opposites. Light-darkness,
success-failure, man-woman, yesterday-tomorrow, past-future,
soul-body – all these are pairs of opposites. The world is
constituted of these dvandvas at all levels.
“Our
mind also operates on the same principle of dvandva. The
dvandvas that constitute the mind and its operations are:
happiness-misery, pleasantness-unpleasantness,
hope-hopelessness, etc. Knowing that this is so, Deepa, give
a place in your understanding – with enough of feelings
and emotions – for all the usual mental states to be there
for a time and then to be disappearing later, to revisit you
again, to re-disappear again…
“Mental
health is the first factor. With your mind healthy, any
further spiritual gain will become easy and stable. I shall
tell you all about the glorious spiritual wisdom, its
practice and attainment, and you will one day realize the
secret of human fulfillment, dear Deepa. But let us first be
ready for all that.”
“How
is Aroop? Make him happy too. As for motherhood, do not feel
the least self-pity. My dear Soul, is not the world full and
open? Your life in it will bless you in one way, if not the
other way, and in a new way if all old ways are found
unfeasible. So, be patient, Self-reliant and hopeful. Every
one will be happy if you feel pleasant at heart”.
* * *
