| In the Company of My
Lord - 9 |
 |
By Ma Gurupriya
[Published in Vicharasetu – October 1991. The author Ma Gurupriya was then ‘Ratnadeepa’]
The
Lord and His Devotees – the Twofold Satsang
When I experienced the
bliss of my Lord’s pure love, the mind wanted to remain
immersed in His thoughts more and more. Till then my
spiritual routine consisted of japa and meditation, reading and introspection. On a shelf in the wall
I had placed Baba’s and Swamiji’s photos together with
those of Sri Ramakrishna Deva, Sarada Maa, Swami Vivekananda, Sri Aurobindo and the Mother of
Pondicherry. Everyday I used to light incense sticks and
prostrate in front of the pictures. But, for meditation and japa
I had neither any fixed place to
sit nor any fixed timing, although almost throughout the day
I was given to introspection and self-analysis.
My Lord now grew in me a
desire to be regular in spiritual routine, and to have some
devotional practices too. I wanted to have a fixed place to
sit – in front of a sort of ‘pooja-shrine’ at one corner
of the room – a shrine where I would sit alone reading or
introspecting, doing japa or meditation. If not anything, I would sit there quietly
thinking about Him. And, I wanted to sit there very
regularly and frequently.
The mere imagination of
sitting in front of the shrine offering flowers, lighting
lamp, pasting sandal, etc. used to bring a sublime feeling
in me, a touch of His divinity and purity. I aspired to turn
all my thoughts towards Him and read, talk or hear about Him
continuously. Very naturally, the mind craved more and more
to be in the company of devotees whose mind revelled in His
thoughts. I longed to meet them, listen to them or simply
observe them. I wanted to know about their saadhana and
their thoughts in order to get a touch of the devotion and sraddhaa
they were blessed with. Any interaction with devotees or reading
about saadhakas made me very happy and inspired. I used to
get drenched in bhakti and love.
There was an excellent
library in the college where I was teaching. I used to hunt
for books reading which the mind would be inspired – it
would experience purity, sublimity and expansion. I longed
to read stories and biographies of devotees, which infused
in me the touch of simple love and devotion towards Lord.
One day, I came across a book: “Sri
Sri Ramakrishna Leelaprasanga” – a detailed biography of Sri Ramakrishna, written by Swami
Saradananda (Sarat Maharaj, one of Sri Ramakrishna Deva’s sannyasin disciples, later the
secretary of Ramakrishna Math and mission). I got completely
absorbed in this book which gave me a vivid chronological
picture of Sri Ramakrishna Deva’s
life – his mumukshutva,
saadhana and siddhi; his later life
with devotees and disciples; his last days when the young
disciples (who later became Sannyasins) renounced their home
to look after him day and night.
Although I was reading
“Sri
Ramakrishna Kathaamrita” (recorded by Sri M) regularly, I was not aware of all these
details till I came across this ‘Leelaprasanga’. Through this book, my Lord bestowed on me a new identity –
that of a person aspiring to be a devotee. Slowly He made
clear to me what the word ‘devotion’ means, and I
understood it to be that sublime feeling that washed away
all impurities, keeping a single loving thought in the mind
– that of His. It was that sublime sense of belonging to
the Lord, which made me feel that He was my very own, the
surest refuge, and my best friend. The very remembrance of
the word ‘bhakti’ started generating in me an unwavering
surrender and love towards Him, making His Company more and
more ‘living’ and wholesome. I felt like an innocent
child always huddled by the mother, having no
worries or fear.
The ‘Gospel’ and ‘Leela-prasanga’ made me float
in a sea of ananda. I was touched by the closeness and intimacy Sri Ramakrishna Deva
had for Mother Kali. I was inspired by his love and devotion
that was so natural but so elevating. Being a Bengali I was
born and brought up with a culture of worshiping Durga and Kaali
calling them Mother. However, the ‘mother aspect’ I used
to find only in Maa Durga – in her serene but powerful
face, in her beautiful merciful eyes – the perfect matri-moorti radiating love
and bliss! About Maa Kaali, I never had much of an attraction. I rather felt a bit scared,
perhaps because of her frightening appearance. Whenever I
visited Kaali Temples, I felt
shaky thinking that she would get annoyed with me because I
was not having bhakti for Her.
Reading about Sri
Ramakrishna Deva’s emotions, this fear of mine got
dissolved. Instead, there grew the same emotions as I had
for Maa Durga. Sri Ramakrishna’s child-like behaviour with Maa Kaali revealed to me
that she is also a loving Mother underneath her bheeshana-roopa
(fierce appearance). She too waits with stretched arms to
give protection and shelter, to give love and solace. The
difference between these two forms of the Mother – so to
say, amongst all forms of the Goddess – dissolved and the
mind started prostrating at the lotus-feet of the One
Universal Mother. I sought refuge in those loving arms with
the firm belief that if I fell or stumbled, she would surely
lift me up. Wiping off the dust from my body and tears from
my eyes, she would hold my hand to lead me ahead. She would
never disown me under any situation and would be forgiving
even if I committed serious mistakes.
Many years later, I came
across a verse and was thrilled to find how our Seers have
expressed all the emotions that transpire in human mind:
jagadamba
vicitram-atra kim
paripoorna-karunasti
cen-mayi
|
aparadha-paramparavrtam na hi mata
samupekshate
sutam ||
– “O Mother of the
universe, what wonder is there that you have full mercy on
me. A mother never abandons her son, be he caught in the
series of sins or slips!”
Dakshineswar Kaali Temple (where Sri
Ramakrishna lived) and Belur Math (Sri Ramakrishna Math
founded by Swami Vivekananda) started attracting me
strongly. I had been to these two shrines on the two banks
of Ganga even in my childhood; but the attitude now was
entirely different. Earlier it was only visiting a temple.
The same place now I looked forward to visit because there
lived once a Saint, a Mahaapurusha, who did intense saadhana
and attained siddhi; who had been talking to God and of God
in the closest terms.
I had read in the
‘Gospel’ about the Satsangs which used to be held in Sri
Ramakrishna Deva’s room. Mentally I had become a regular
participant in the Satsangs that took place there years
back. The room appeared to be charged with austerity,
devotion and purity even now.
My fondness and
attraction towards Ramakrishna Deva, Sarada Maa and their disciples
grew everyday. There was a restlessness to know more about
them – their saadhana, the difficulties they faced and
many subtle behavioural notes and excellences. I started
buying books on them and in quick succession read the lives
of Sarada Maa,
Swami Vivekananda and some other Sannyasin disciples and
also the collection of their letters, writings and sayings.
I was particularly
impressed by the life of Sarada Maa – her simplicity,
her unwavering faith in her Lord Sri Ramakrishna Deva and
unquestioning surrender to his wishes effacing her own
preferences completely, and above all, her all-embracing
love for the devotees of her Lord. This love, which she so
naturally showered on everybody, was a great lesson,
inspiration and guidance for me. In all events of her life I
found her love to be shining most – an embodiment of
Universal Motherhood, always loving and forgiving! In many
difficult situations of my life, I have been helped
immensely by reading or remembering her words and attitude.
Also, I was greatly
inspired by the lives of Swami Vivekananda and his
brother-disciples. I wondered what made them renounce home
at such an early age, what was the strength and inspiration
behind their determination to undergo such austerity and
hardships, and especially, what made their co-existence
possible, enduring all difficulties even when their Guru was
no more in body to bring them under the common shade of his
love and affection!
The later events in the
lives of these young souls revealed to me a great truth –
it was the love and bhakti for their Master that kept them
unified in spite of all differences and difficulties.
Supreme devotion and love towards the Master
generated strong bond of love and integrity amongst
themselves.
I have always held
precious the relationship between the Guru and the Sishya,
knowing that it is greater and loftier than any other
relationship in the world. I wished that my relationship
with my Guru should be such that I would give myself
completely to his wishes and depend solely on him for each
and every little thought of mine. Whenever I ruminated over
the incidents that pictured Ramakrishna Deva’s love for
his disciples, I had a sublime feeling of getting drenched
in my Guru’s love. Whenever
I came across incidents depicting the disciples’ selfless
love and surrender to their Master, I used to remain
absorbed in a sublime non-expectant surrender to my Guru and
also spontaneous love for his devotees.
While writing these
pages, very often I discuss with Swamiji and Aroopji
whatever I have written.
This time, after narrating this much to Swamiji, I
mentioned: “While reading about any great Saint, we have
always found that we not only develop Sraddha towards the
Saint, we also grow a great devotion towards our own Guru,
experiencing a purity, elevation and enrichment.”
Swamiji said: “Yes.
There are two complementary processes – reading
about God’s glories and reading about the
devotees’ life-stories.
The former produces exhilaration and one-pointed-ness
while the latter provides functional inspiration, clarity
and confidence. Whenever
one reads biographies of Saints or saadhakas, one should be
appreciative and admiring, and not questioning and
critical. When
we simply appreciate and adore the qualities found in them,
we too start acquiring those qualities naturally. Similarly,
one should not
compare between Gurus or Sishyas. Simple admiration of the noble and sublime qualities expressed
through any such relationship will naturally generate
sublime feelings in our heart.”
Exactly that was
happening to me. On one hand, the stories and glory of Sri
Krishna in Sreemad Bhaagavatam were giving me exhilaration
and emotional enrichment, developing an intense love for
little Gopala – my ‘Poshaa’. On the other
hand, the constant association of Ramakrishna Deva and his
disciples was providing me inspiration and deeper insight
into the subtleties of saadhana.
Through the mental association with these holy lives
of surrender and dedication, my Lord made me take bath in
the purifying cool waters of the river of devotion,
generating in me more and more fervour, sincerity, and above
all, love and bhakti towards my own Guru.
The
Real Pilgrimage (Teerthayatra)
While I was being led
through this devotional phase of my saadhana, my Lord gave
me an opportunity to go on a pilgrimage to Sri Amaranath,
the unique cave-shrine of Himalaya where the Siva-linga
is naturally formed of ice by freezing of water dripping from one
corner of the cave. Situated
in the most enchanting snow-clad range of Himalayas,
Amarnath is considered to be one of the most difficult and
also most beautiful pilgrim centres.
I have always found
Aroopji having a strong attraction for the Himalayas. He
would often talk of trekking to Amarnath. I never had any
attraction for such difficult pilgrimage earlier. But now,
as the mind got immersed in devotion, I started growing an
eagerness to visit Amarnath. The word Teerthayatra (pilgrimage)
appeared with new meaning setting a ripple in my mind.
I was getting lost in a serene quietude thinking of
the devotees, Saints and Seers visiting these places from
time immemorial, taking up the austere trek through
nature’s desolate vastness – in search of the Unknown!
I had visited quite a
few holy places but never before I was blessed with such
calmness, vastness and nearness to God. This was a unique
experience. Nature with its matchless beauty had captured
our hearts right from Srinagar and Pahalgam, the starting
point of the trek. The lonely path winding through the
hills, the tall trees stretching their arms aspiring to
reach the sky, the taller mountains beyond with shining
snow-clad peaks and the overwhelming silence of the place
reminded us constantly of Lord’s serenity and vastness. As
I gazed higher up to the sky, I saw my Lord’s smiling face
– He was waiting for me to reach Him.
I do not remember what
exactly my thoughts were when the trek began, but this much
I remember that I was constantly thinking of my Lord
bringing Him very near to my heart and surrendering myself
to His loving hands – while walking, while taking rest on
the roadside stones, or while trying to sleep at night in
the open tents. After three days’ trek, we had the darshan
of Sri Amarnath
on the Gurupoornima day.
It had been snowing the previous night and the tents
were covered with snow.
Early morning when we started from Seshnag, it was a
wonderful sight! As far as the eyes could reach, it was all
white, broken only by a black winding line of moving
pilgrims – like ants crawling, one behind the other.
This is Teerthayatra
! This is the way thousands and thousands of devotees since ages
have been trekking to reach their Lord! Today I too am one
of them. Lord Himself has dragged me on to this path. This
wonderful scene charged my mind with the thought of man’s
eternal pilgrimage to the Lord within! This realization
together with the chanting of mantra filled my eyes with
tears of ¡nanda
and gratitude.
Throughout the whole long journey I was full with mantra-japa.
The body was becoming cold. There were enough
occasions to make the mind fearful – the frightening
depths alongside the narrow winding pass, the dangerous
gorges with loose stones rolling down from the top, the
uncertain glacial and snowy region where the path was
primarily determined by the leading horses, often at the
cost of their lives! To add to these, all of us (we were
four – Aroopji, his parents and myself) got scattered from
one another. I found myself chanting my mantra, holding on
to it firmly. I knew nothing except my Lord’s ‘face’.
Deeply absorbed in the chanting I was moving ahead.
When I reached the cave
and sat on the steps, my mind became blank. There was no
hurry for darshan. Slowly I got up and
washed my hands and face in the ice-cold waters of
Amar-Ganga, the charming stream flowing down from the cave.
Then I entered the cave. And there stood the Sivalinga of ice reaching the ceiling of the cave about 16ft high!
I stood there motionless – how long I do not know.
The eyes closed by themselves. I was seeing within:
“Santa
Siva-moorti
– prasanna-gambheera”
smiling at me, the purifying Ganga flowing down His locks.
The mantra “Namah
Sivaaya” was coming from within spontaneously. It was a memorable experience. I felt, my Lord in the form of
Siva had been waiting all
these days for me and I had reached my destination. I felt
like standing there for ages.
How long I stood there I
do not know. With the eyes closed, barefoot on ice, I was
absorbed in my Lord’s ‘embrace’.
It was only when my mother-in-law asked me to light
incense sticks that I became aware of the surroundings. I
looked at the linga and spoke
silently: “I came and stood before You; I saw You with my
eyes. Then You made me see Yourself within me. Bless that I
keep on seeing You within.”
While climbing down I
realized that I had neither prostrated nor done pradakshina.
I had not even touched the linga. But I had no
sense of loss, I was full with my darshan and bhaava.
Before we started for
this pilgrimage, I had received Swamiji’s blessings
through a letter in which he had written: “I must see, at
least hear, that you are cheerful and contented. To be
happy, to feel delight, one needs only the animate body and
the mind and viveka. Even the external agencies bestow contentment only through the
mind. A mindless body cannot feel delight. Ascribe delight
then to the mind, as its property and quality. Having the
mind intact how dare you disown
delightfulness? Think and try. That is the real climb, the real
pilgrimage – Teerthayatra.”
* * *
