Dear and blessed R:
Harih Om Tat Sat. Your email of 20th Sep. is before me and I am reading it again.
Your question is quite in place. Shall I answer it somewhat, and will you be ready to take in whatever is said?
You are born of parents, grow under their care, only to outlive these ages and be an adult to find your place, worth, utility and relevance in the huge world complex. As you grow, this outliving cannot be avoided. In fact, one that does not outlive like this, becomes a misfit, and I would say, anti-natural as well.
A girl can marry only one outside the family. She has to live with him, rearing her family. This means getting physically away from the born family. The family as well as her mind should understand this need and order, and take to it well.
House people should recognize that as a married individual, she must build her family, find familial fondness, enlarge her circle, and live and grow as a new daughter or daughter-in-law there. Any talk or thought must be to help, not to hinder this.
The same principle holds good for the boy, son-in-law, too. Mother should be happy that her son has someone to look after him, and the sight should please her. Possessiveness is necessary when desirable; but should be shunned, when unnecessary. Why did the mother rear her son? To be a husband and a parent. When that process is on, should she not take it in and help and rejoice over it?
The golden rule in all this is: Always consider the welfare of the other party, not one’s own interests and concerns. Inability to do so is a moral failure, crime indeed. There is no relationship, dictate or compulsion, besides righteousness, dharma. Dharma is the one chord in which all are bound.
Adharmic compulsion, feelings, dictates, or anything else whatsoever, has no place in a good, orderly human life.
It is under Dharma’s compulsion, that Rama left for forest exile, abandoned his wife, and also Lakshmana in the end.
It is under the same dharma that Arjuna fought his grandfather and teacher. The subtle meaning of the Geeta is that Bheeshma and Drona are the abhimana and ahamkara in one. Unless one is able to get rid of these, the ultimate psychic hindrances within oneself, a proper human and social life cannot be led. What do I mean, you may wonder.
The adult son (or daughter) will have to think in terms of his new family welfare, solidarity, as he was thinking earlier of the parental family. Whatever righteous steps have to be taken then, must be followed. He should discuss the matter, presenting his view to the parents. It should be more a sharing than an offence or defense. Do it gently, feelingfully. But make clear what you feel right and propose to do.
Rama’s decision to go to the forest was not welcomed and approved by any one in the palace, including Sage Vasishtha. Kausalya alone changed her stand on hearing her son for a short while, and stood up to bless him “Dear son, I do not expect a different stand from you, the righteous son. Go with my blessings. Come back, as if the 14 years become 14 months. I shall be here to greet you.”
Another, I can think of was the singular stand taken by Draupadi, whereby she repudiated the act of staking her by Yudhishthira. Her contention was that Yudhishthira had staked and lost himself to the opponents. If she had also been included in the fate, on grounds of wedded loyalty, where was the question of the opponents asking Yudhishthira to pledge her again? So she said she was surviving with independence.
Could normally any married woman resort to such a seeming disclaim of weddedness?
I wonder what situation you have in mind. Unless it is told, I would not be able to relate the principles and course of action effectively. Meanwhile, this may help your thought process. Let me know.
Love and ashirvaad.
Antaratmaa
Swami Bhooomananda Tirtha.
